Monday, February 25, 2008

My 2008 Oscar Show Awards

Okay, so the Oscars this year weren’t really that memorable. Seriously, Bruce Vilanch needs to be fired. He’s just not funny. Academy people, get off your lazy asses and find a new head writer. John Stewart doubled the number of "Daily Show" writers he brought with him and still we got a “just okay” show. I’m going to skip any and all commentary on who woulda-coulda-shoulda won and instead invent a few of my own award categories (yes, I know this isn’t exactly a novel idea, either…sue me. It’s a lot more interesting, though).

Greatest “WTF?!” Moment

If you missed Gary Busey wandering into frame on E!’s pre-show, proceeding to bewilder Ryan Seacrest and scare the ever-loving crap out of sweet little Jennifer Garner, I feel sorry for you. Because, as my friend J-Sho so aptly put it, “this is why I watch the pre-show! For the train wrecks! This is AWESOME!”

First of all, who invited Gary Busey to the Oscars? Did they start a charity program that I am unaware of? Like, all of the night’s top nominees get to invite the has-been actor of their choice to walk the red carpet one more time? It’s a nice idea in theory, and I’m sure you’d make someone like Geena Davis really happy. But inviting Gary Busey to the Oscars is like setting a hungry dog loose in a room full of cats: you just know the fur is going to fly.

Linney and Garner: "The Before"

It couldn’t have been more perfect, for comedy’s sake, to have him decide to wander into frame while Ryan Seacrest was talking to Jennifer Garner, though. Because she seems like the absolute nicest person alive, and to have Gary Busey come after you going, “BLAAAARG! I want to eat your face!” was just priceless. I felt so bad for her because she looked absolutely terrified (this is exhibit A for why you should carry mace with you at all times, BTW) and is now probably slightly scarred for life.

Most Inappropriate Question

Okay, Seacrest. I concede that you are probably the perfect host for American Idol. I like you a lot on the radio, too. But you are a craptacular red carpet host. Your conversation with Jessica Alba was just painful to watch. Just because you prefaced the baby conversation with “I don’t have any of my own and I don’t know much about it, but I’ll try” does not excuse the fact that you thought it was okay (apparently) to ask her if she would be breast-feeding or not. I applaud her for returning your volley with “wow, that’s a really personal question.” Take your silly brown-lapeled BLACK TUXEDO (you douche) and go stand in the corner.

Favorite Live Blog Reaction

I have to admit, I find the fact that people think Javier Bardem is hot downright mystifying. He’s…odd-looking. I look at him and immediately want him to play Lenny in "Of Mice and Men" (I admit that my friends think my free associations are completely weird and off base 75% of the time, but I stand by my own thoughts!). Still, he’s Latin, which earns him a lot of leeway with women. And he seems like a very nice, intelligent, thoughtful guy. Which is kind of why I found this exchange, by the lovely blogging ladies of "Entertainment Weekly," so freakin’ funny.

Mandi: Javier Bardem wins best supporting actor. Presenter Jennifer Hudson didn't even bother to try to build the suspense, since there was none. Yes, you do have to speak fast, Javier. You have an accent!

Annie: I believe it's pronounced "Xavier," Mandi. Or at least that's what I hear from Reege.

Mandi: Someone who speaks Spanish, please translate Javier's speech during the commercial. Thanks!

Annie: I'll do it. "I am so sexy so sexy so sexy so sexy adios."

Favorite Acceptance Speech Involving George Clooney

The Supporting Actress category was so wide open, the winner probably would’ve been a bit of a shock no matter who it was. That said, Tilda Swinton looked completely blown away and unprepared when they called her name. She more than made up for it in her acceptance speech, though. Her insistence that the Oscar statue looked exactly like her agent was giggle-worthy (which she expounded upon backstage, saying that Oscar’s stance is the same as his always is when she tells him she's going to do another art film).

However, it was her “payback” to co-star George Clooney (a notorious prankster)that was priceless. Tilda paid him back by thanking him for wearing his Batsuit, nipples and all, under his costume every day and then hanging upside-down at lunch. Clooney, ever the good sport, took it in stride. I loved it from start to finish (so much so that I almost forgave her for wearing a glammed-up Hefty bag to the Oscars).

Almost forgave, Tilda. Almost.

Favorite Acceptance Speech Not Involving George Clooney

I admit, I thought it was really classy of Jon Stewart to let Marketa Irglova come back on stage and finish (well, let’s be honest, start) her acceptance speech for Best Song. It turned out to be well worth our time, too, because she gave the most heartfelt, well-spoken speech of the evening. She dedicated her award to ''all other independent musicians and artists that spend most of their time struggling” and commented that their (somewhat underdog) win proved that “no matter how far out your dreams are, it’s possible.”

It’s the kind of speech that you long to hear once every awards show: totally free of ego or entitlement, someone just genuinely thrilled and touched that life took such a sharp left turn somewhere and allowed them to be up on that stage, fulfilling a dream. Of course, Stewart must realize that by doing this, he set a dangerous precedent. Now every winner for Best Animated Short or Best Documentary Feature is going to pester the Oscar host backstage, wanting to come back on stage to finish thanking their Uncle Frank.

Best Double-Take Moment

This one is a twofer: riding the coattails of the final "Enchanted" song number, John Travolta straight-up waltzed to the podium. LoveloveLOVE, Danny Zuko (or Tony Manero, take your pick). I went “did he really just do that? Really?” and then finished with “AWESOME.”

Of course, that double take moment was followed shortly by my other Travolta-induced second look…when I caught sight of his hair. Seriously, John, can we have a chat? First you try to rock the long, floppy (obviously hair-plugged) mop around town, and then you buzz it so strangely short that you look kind of like a life-sized chia pet. What gives? Where is your wife when all of this is happening?

Best Oscar Party Viewing Moment

I was deep in discussion about something completely unrelated to the Oscars when the announcer called Nicole Kidman to the stage. My friend Danielle went, “What, I thought she wasn’t supposed to be...” and then, catching sight of her, screamed, “AHHHHHHH!” Please imagine a completely startled, mildly horrified yell there and you’ll get the picture.

I think Nicole Kidman’s scarily frozen, waxy appearance scarred her for life. As for me, though, I was too busy nearly falling off the couch laughing to be similarly affected by Kidman’s visage.

Moment I Wished I Could Swap Places With Someone

I don’t really want to be Diablo Cody, per se. Being a stripper would never suit me, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in leopard print or a skirt with a slit that high (I have my modesty, people – if I’m going to embarrass myself, I’ll do it by saying something inappropriate, not dressing like a crazy person). However, the fact that HARRISON freakin’ FORD (hello, GILF of my dreams) presented her with an award made me weak in the knees.

How on Earth she managed to restrain herself from giving him a long, slightly-inappropriate hug and receiving the obligatory presenter-to-winner kiss on the cheek, I’ll never know. WASTED OPPORTUNITY, DIABLO! I am so flabbergasted by your inability to carpe diem that I don’t know what to do with myself.

Turn around and get your free Ford love!!!! DO IT!!!! (I hate you)

I admit that my fervor over this issue increased after seeing Harrison’s cameo in the “I’m F*cking Ben Affleck” video, but still…*shakes head* I am so disappointed in you, Diablo Cody.

1 comment:

Jamie said...

On the subjects you touched on: Ryan is indeed a brown-lapeled douche-doily. Poor Jen Garner, her husband's too busy f***ing Ben Affleck to save her from ABusey (LOL see what i did there. mkay. shut up, i'm tired.). I like that the camera guy decided to take a break from Kidman's frozen face and cut to my scariest moment - Cameron Diaz's oil slick of a nose. Seriously Cam-Di, you can't splurge for a powder compact on Oscar night? And finally, as I've said, I've changed my mind about Diablo Cody's dress. I dig it. Sure the slit was high, but i didn't see anything, she didn't have her tits hanging out like J-lo that year. However, I could have done with less crying from her. I've always felt uneasy seeing strippers cry. AWESOME BLIGGITY BLOG!